what's love got to do with it...

Love is every where around me, and not having someone to love or to love me back I have begun to notice everything. I heard someone once say "everything is more beautiful when you are in love", I am going to have to disagree with that. I see so much beauty all around. Most of it is nature, but I do see beauty in some of the things of the world.

So back to love...I have stated in the past that I have many faults and I take responsibility for them (that is if I am told about them). Everything about me makes me who I am and I am glad that I don't have people in my life anymore that are fake and just say that they love me (years of being fake). If someone loves me they need to love everything about me, the good and the bad. I find that when I love someone, I love them with all of my heart and will do anything for them. I believe that true love will outlast any trial or conflict that may temporarily block it's path.

I am taking the time I have been given on my own to really find out who I am and what I am about. What I really want in life and the things that I need to change to better myself. I am finally able to embrace the time I have on my own. A year ago I was so down and just wanted someone to love me. I need to learn to love myself before I can really truly love someone else and have that true love that will outlast anything.

So I have learned that love has everything to do with it...

four leaf clover...

This week has gone by faster than I thought it would. I have had something to do every night this week and I have loved it! Tuesday I watched three of the Eaton children so Mary could get out of the house and have some time. I LOVE children and having been able to help her out has been a great blessing to me. Wednesday I thought I had a free night because my girls are at camp, but at 6:30 Titan reminded me that he still had scouts! So we ate dinner quick (good thing I was just getting it out of the oven). Tomorrow night I am going out to see the Magnetos again. Good times to be had by all there!

That covers every night but Monday and tonight. I had the great pleasure of going to girls camp to be with the girls. Monday night the lesson that was taught was just what I needed to hear (taught by an amazing and wonderful woman). Tonight we went on a Faith Walk and I was touched by so many things...the beauty of nature first and foremost, then things that were shared along the trail. We were not supposed to talk, only the people at different points on the trail sharing with us were allowed to talk. The peace gave me the opportunity to ponder. The whole time I was on the trail I just kept thinking to myself "let me just find a four leaf clover to know that everything is really going to be ok". I found one...this brings tears to my eyes now as I type about it. It was very small and I almost didn't see it. I took a picture of it so I will always have the proof for myself that everything is going to be ok.

I am so glad that I took the time to go be with the girls at camp and was able to walk away each time with something that has helped me.

Life is good...

just one more...

My last post was about chapters from my past and this one is also. When I am really into a book and it is late I will see how long the next chapter is before I start reading it. I always say to myself "just one more".



Years ago there was a guy that I was really attracted to. I was married at the time and wanted nothing more than to have my husband join the church that I go to. My attraction to this man was nothing more than "oh he is cute". Things happened and we both moved away. Years later (last year) I was going through a divorce and I saw this man at church?! I knew he had been married and was excited to see that he didn't have a wedding ring on. Sparing you details, we ended up going out and after our first date we were inseparable. I fell head over heels for this man. Everything was moving so fast, it was all a blur. I felt like it was a dream I didn't want to wake up from. Having been attracted to him so long ago and now we were in a relationship.



Well just as history has shown me nothing good lasts and this too came to an end. Once again I was devastated and heart broken, but what could I do? So, I put on my big girl panties and pushed ahead. I accept responsibility for my faults and I know I have many, but they seem to be too much to handle for the men in my past. I thought this one was different but I was wrong :( This chapter was short, fun, and full of excitement and emotions. The best kind of chapter if you ask me. It was well worth the "just one more" time and I will never forget it... A lyric comes to mind when I think of ending the chapter "I'm done, over and out my dear".



So life continues on and I keep my inkwell full and my quill close at hand, ready for future chapters to be written. I can't complain, life is fabulous and getting better everyday...

chapters reopened...

chapter joe

I was a freshman in high school and was attracted to this boy in one of my classes. We were doing a "get to know you" activity and I was determined to be noticed by said boy :) So I went to as many class mates as I could and put my name next to "I like music". I worked! Joe and I started dating. I think I went to his house everyday after school forever.

Here is a list of memories:

sitting on his bed watching him play his drums, going with him to dye his mohawk, the all night bowling that really ended with me just spending the night at his house, buying my in line skates and breaking my tail bone, going out on the boat and jumping off the rocks, frisbee golf, late nights watching him play computer games (DOOM?), watching him play hockey, going ice skating with him and cutting his chin, the dance when he surprised me with a ring, there are many more fun times Joe and I had, but I don't need to share EVERYTHING. Just like all things, this relationship ended and I was heart broken so I moved out of state. (I will refer back to this later).

Joe and I sporadically saw each other throughout the years. It always seemed a bit weird though, until about a year ago. Joe sent out a generic facebook message inviting a bunch of people to his parents annual summer bash. Joe has always been a fungi so I decided I was going to go. I needed fun...I had just filed for divorce. I went and had a blast! By the end of the night it was Joe, his band members, his cousin, his mom, my children, and myself. We stayed up till 1 or 2am talking and reminiscing about old times. Joe and I had such a good time together that we saw each other again the next two nights!

I started spending more and more time with Joe, we went to races, lunch, dinner, and just hung out at each other's houses. Last year I was with Joe, B, and Odessa for Sprint car races on September 18th in to the 19th (my b-day) It was a great way to bring in my birthday :) Our time together has slowed way down, but Joe will be a part of my life from now on. He has helped my through some tough times and has given me a new perspective to look at things and situations. Along with having Joe back, I now have another great friend...Joe's wife. She is a beautiful and amazingly talented woman.





chapter t.j.

So back into chapter joe when I moved out of state... This takes me to Washington state where this chapter started. I met TJ at school when he heard me making plans to go out with another guy in study hall. TJ found me after school and told me not to go out with the other guy and that I should go out with him. So I did. We became inseparable, we did everything together. We got into all kinds of trouble together, but it was fun! We went to prom and had a blast. My first prom date :) I ended up getting pregnant...I was SCARED!! My mom by this time didn't' care for TJ and my dad was going to be so disappointed in me.

When I finally told my mom she suggested adoption. I thought she was CRAZY! This was my baby, a part of me, I would not even consider it. She gave me a book to read and then adoption started to look like the best option for both my baby and I. I moved back to Iowa and started the adoption process. I gave my worker a picture of TJ and I so he could find a couple that looked similar. He came back with three options for me and of the three I was able to pick the childless couple to bless with my baby. I don't need to go into details about everything, but I have had some contact with my son and his parents. I have received letters from his parents, copies of some stories he has written, and up to his first birthday I was able to get pictures of him. Every year on his birthday I am able to send him a letter and I do so, without fail, letting him know how much I love him. My handsome little man.

So the years have past and I have had no contact with TJ at all. I have thought about him often and wondered how he was. Well, to my surprise on May 27th I got a message from him on facebook! I just about had a heart attack when I saw his name. I was shocked and truth be told a bit scared. It had been 13 years since I talked to him and here he was...

I was very cautious in my correspondence with him at first, but after a bit of time I relaxed and now it's all good. TJ had been living all this time knowing nothing about his son, how hard that must have been. We have had late nights talking about our son and me answering questions that he has had for so many years. I don't think I can express in words what it means to have TJ back in my life. He is the father of my first child...he knows exactly what I went through with the adoption. How it feels to have other children and see the joy they are and to know that we both let that go with our son. We both have a part of our hearts out in the world somewhere.

TJ is married with three beautiful children. If and when his wife decides it would be ok to meet me I am going to go asap to see TJ again. When I go I am taking pictures I have of our son to show him. I want to be there when he sees his son for the first time and share the tears with him. Being a mother or father can not be expressed in words. To become a parents is the only way to know the joy and love that bringing another life into this world can bring.




my thoughts

Things didn't work out in these relationships in the past, but I have them both back in my life now. We have been able to let the past go and doing that the friendship we now have is priceless (to me anyway:). I love and treasure both of these men and feel so blessed to have them back. Much love!!

they call me "mom"

Right at this very moment "mom" is my favorite name. My children are my greatest joy in life.

Titan is 10 and sometime I forget that he is just 10. He acts so much older at times and I have to take a second look at my growing "bubies". He is so amazing, he excels in reading and gets bored at school because he is not challenged enough. The last 2 years he has been in an advanced program for reading that has been challenging for him, but he loves it.

Odessa is 5 and sometimes I have to remind her how old she is. She at times will act like a 2 year old and I have to ask her how old she is, for fear that I have gone back in time. Odessa is one of the only children in her class at daycare that know the months and days. She always raises her hand to answer questions and is quick to help when another child doesn't. She is my little princess.

My children know how to push my buttons, but at the same time when I am down (even though I have said nothing to them about it) they know that I just need a hug and some cuddling. They know that I love them even when I tell them "no" and they love me back. I will always be their mother and that brings me the greatest joy I will ever know...

This new trail...

It has been a year since I filed for divorce and in that year I have had my ups and downs. I want to share this new trail on my journey through this life with those that care. Being a single mother is VERY hard, but at the same time comes with such great rewards. Being the primary care giver of my two wonderful children means that I have them most of the time. I get to share so many experiences with them that their father misses out on. When something exciting happens, I am there... When they get hurt, I am there... I love being a mother!

Although some things have been extremely hard, I would not change anything that has been on my path to this point. I have grown in some way and learned something from each experience. I am who I am today because of everything I have been through.

I am excited about what the future holds and this opportunity to share it all with you...